Avoid Choking on Feedback

In preparation for an upcoming speech, "Coaching with Backbone, Not Bite - Seven Strategies for Building High Performance Teams," our office conducted a survey of student athletes and coaches. Overwhelmingly, their responses pointed to the value of giving and receiving feedback in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. These athletes and coaches crave valuable feedback to enhance their performance. Feedback is equally valuable in the workplace. The ability to assimilate feedback is critical to contributing powerfully, and the ability to give valuable feedback is a essential skill to learn. Read on to discover 8 simple rules for providing feedback that's "easy to swallow".

"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by man."
-- Rudyard Kipling

Giving useful feedback to one another about our communication and behavior is valuable nourishment for our work and for our spirits. Most people with whom I talk, firmly establish that they want feedback from their peers and boss in the workplace to improve and enrich their work performance. Consistently, clients tell me that they appreciate both positive and critical feedback in order to contribute more powerfully. I’ve heard this so much that I’ve come to believe that withholding information that helps another’s performance is actually a hostile act.

However, the magic is in the method. We need to think through what is best to say and how to say it best.

"Our lives are fed by kind words and gracious behavior." -- Ed Hayes

Consistently, clients tell sad, poignant, and/or conflict-ridden anecdotes that beg for more useful strategies of providing powerful feedback. Here is just one example:

A client shared a story of working on a project team where the team worked long, arduous hours to meet a deadline for their CFO. Day and night they toiled, pushed by the urgency and scope of the needed proposal.

Very close to the deadline, the team delivered the needed "goods" to their boss, who proceeded to flip through the pages of their work.

Watching him, the team members held their collective breath..."

Suddenly, the CFO banged on his desk, glared at the group and yelled, "THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR, BUT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

Feedback. It was given. It certainly was received. But it did nothing to feed the spirit.

Blessedly, there are specific strategies to keep in mind when providing valuable feedback. Try using the word FEEDBACK as an acronym for these ideas.

FAIRLY TIMED: Determine a best time to provide critical feedback. Here's a clue. Do NOT give it in the heat of anger. Your words are likely to harm rather than charm. Needed critical feedback is given in private whenever possible to lower the probability of defensiveness and anger on the part of the recipient. None of us wants to feel stupid or awkward.

ENCOURAGED BY THE RECIPIENT: Find a way to have your feedback, if critical, invited by the recipient. She then feels that hearing it was her choice. Of course, you can be proactive about positioning that invitation. Consider asking, "May I offer a suggestion?" or "We need to talk. When is best for you in the next two days?" Give recipients a measure of control over how and when they receive critique.

EVALUATIVE JUDGMENTS ARE AVOIDED: Avoid judgments about people. I recently overheard one employee telling another, "You’re just a jerk." Direct, but not very specific. A better approach is to simply describe the situation as you understand it in terms of observable, measurable behavior.

DIRECTLY EXPRESSED: Provide both the positive and negative about someone’s behavior, but distinguish between the two. Not long ago, I listened as an executive was giving a compliment to an employee. His very words were, "except for the fact that you are always late, I really appreciate that you...?!?!?" I don’t remember the compliment, and I doubt that the employee does either. The sting of the preceding criticism diluted it almost completely!

BAD NEWS CAN BE REFRAMED: Critical feedback is a learning opportunity when provided fairly. Recently, I learned of a web designer who goofed on a major client presentation to a potential client. After some consideration, he called the president of the company and asked for an hour to learn how he had goofed. The president gave him that hour and plenty of feedback. The designer listened with care and took notes viewing this hour as continuing education. He now says that, as a result of hearing it, and making some changes, he’s earned thousands of dollars from the hour of "free advice"!

ACTIONABLE: Provide feedback about issues and behaviors that are under the control of the person receiving your words. In one situation, I heard a person told, “you’re so…so…short.” What exactly can the recipient do about that?!? Suggest alternative ways of behaving that allow the receiver to think about new ways to tackle old problems.

CARE AND ATTENTION: To be maximally useful, feedback requires the giver to feel care and concern for the person receiving feedback – for encouraging, not hurting the other person. Pay attention to what you are doing as you give feedback. Engage in two-way conversation with shared communication.

KEEP DOCUMENTATION THAT IS CHECKED AND CLARIFIED: Often, it’s valuable to document a conversation that includes feedback about an issue. Doing so cues you to focus on behaviors and issues, it provides a written history, it builds your credibility, and it cues behavior to follow through on action items. Consider whether your feedback should be checked out with other people to explore the value of your perceptions. Different viewpoints can help shape clearer, more effective feedback.

One of the most powerful ways to build trusted communication is through giving and expecting great feedback. A lack of trust and the fear of taking risks with one another are divisive. Great feedback builds collaborative effort and essential trust. Feedback: we need to give it; we need to receive it.

For thoughtful reflection: Which is the quote that most often reflect how people receive YOUR feedback?

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." --Eric Idle

"I have never developed indigestion from eating my words." -- Winston Churchill

Food for Thought

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

"Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it." --James Russell Fowell

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies