Just say NO to the Bully

What started with his locker door being slammed shut escalated to shaving cream in his gym shoes and then a kick to the groin while his middle school classmates held him down.

That escalation of bullying seen in Newton schools, and schools nationwide, has given Susan Wilson reason to be concerned-and to do something about it.

Wilson, a local speaker, consultant and author of numerous articles and books recently conducted a workshop with 12 seventh and eighth graders from area schools at ACES Teen Club, using a variety of activities aimed at "stopping the bully in you and stopping the bully coming toward you."

"Typically, those who hurt are those who have been hurt," said Wilson. "Even star youth were willing to share times when they've bullied someone."

Of the 12 students, each one said they had been bullied by a peer and each one said they had been the bully, illustrating Wilson's point that, often, the victim becomes the bully.

"We need to shrink the pool of victims," she said, "and teach people how to expect to be respected."

Bullying in school has become a topic among state officials in recent months, with talk surfacing over anti-bullying legislation.

"Iowa has a reputation of having safe schools, but of course, if even one young person is made to feel afraid or unsafe in school that is one too many," said Lt. Gov. Sally Pederson at a Feb. 23, 2004 Statehouse news conference.

Pederson is pushing a bill that would provide assistance to school districts from the Iowa Department of Education to develop model plans to prevent bullying.

Bulling can be verbal, emotional or physical and can target students with various forms of harassment, according to Pederson.

But Wilson cautions against such broad definitions of bullying.

"We do need to be careful about being oversensitive," she said, pointing to proposed legislation in Georgia that focuses on violent and intimidating behavior and behavior that hurts the feelings of another. "Anti-bulling legislation sounds good, but what exactly are we trying to accomplish?"

The bill in Iowa directs each local school board to adopt and annually review a policy prohibiting the bullying of all students, which includes a definition of bullying, effective prevention strategies, monitoring and evaluation of the policy's effectiveness, procedures for receiving and responding to complaints and consequences and remedial action for violations.

"I think there needs to be very clear standards about behaviors in schools and organizations," said Wilson. "Without a baseline definition bullying is left wide to interpretation." She added that consequences must also be established for those who bully others.

She worked with youth at ACES to teach them strategies to prevent and combat bullying.

One girl said she felt she was a bully in sports. Wilson instructed her to place a note under the tongue of her shoe reminding her not to bully.

"She will always be able to feel it," said Wilson.

Another girl said she was a bully to her mother and Wilson instructed her and her mother "to learn how to love each other better."

Wilson said that, while boys are physical in their bullying, girls tend to be more emotional in the words they use and in ignoring each other, creating a sense of social isolation.

"Girls really learn that behavior very early of learning words and facial expressions to put people in or put people out."

And studies show that the threat of bullying in schools is nothing to shy away from.

Bulling tends to be more frequent among sixth through eighth graders than ninth and 10th graders, according to a study published in The Journal of the American Medical Association, which called the prevalence of bullying among U.S. students "substantial."

The study also showed that 10.6 percent of students surveyed reported that they had been bullied "sometimes" or "weekly," while 13 percent admitted they had bullied others. Moreover, bullies, those who are bullied and those who were both perpetrators and targets, reported difficulties in psychological adjustment, taking the forms of "higher levels of insecurity, anxiety, depression, loneliness, unhappiness, physical and mental symptoms and low self-esteem.

Wilson used an activity in the workshop at ACES to demonstrate that effect. While the youth threw out pieces of "junk talk" to her, such as "four eyes" or "stupid," they slowly hammered away at a plate wrapped in a towel.

"When they opened the towel the plate was broken," she said. "That shows that outside we may look OK, but inside we're crumbling."

According to a study from the Harvard Mental Health Newsletter, students consider bullying the worst problem in school, worse than drugs or alcohol.  While the goings on at school have an impact on children, Wilson said it is important for parents to play a district role in preventing bullying and "shrinking the victim pool."

"The family system is more powerful," said Wilson. "Outside the home is not as powerful."

She stressed the importance for parents to know what's going on with their child, specifically by listening, asking questions, setting an example and paying attention to signals.

"Ask them questions to get a base of information to look into when you get an off-base response," she said.

What does she ask her own children?

"What happened at school today? How much did you enjoy your day? What made you laugh today?"

Wilson said it is important for parents to listen to what their children say and to make sure the child knows the parent is listening.

When Wilson's daughter, Breanne, was in kindergarten, she became aware of bullying at school and wanted to take action to make sure her daughter was not bullied and, in turn, a bully to others. They used humor as a strategy to prevent bullying.

A favorite game between the two of them became the "I Hate You" game. Wilson would throw out insults to Breanne, forcing the 5-year-old to develop a "stash" of four or five comments, such as "That's a weird thing to do," that she could use if others tried to bully her.

"She had the power to speak up and speak back," Wilson said. "You're building more confident kids who are better able to say 'stop' when confronted with bullying.

Complaints of bullying should not be tossed to the wayside, according to Wilson, as incidents that appear to be meaningless can escalate, as in the case of the middle school boy who was kicked in the groin.

"From those incidents, where was the point to try and stop it to reduce the likelihood of him getting kicked in the groin?" she asked.

Wilson said there are a number of signals or cues that parents should pay attention to in their children that could alert them to a bullying problem when their child is afraid to step forward. While abnormal emotions, such as worry, anxiety, moodiness, withdrawal, increased aggression and unhappiness are important to recognize, she said there are physical signs that often go unnoticed. She said cuts, bruises, torn or missing clothing, difficulty sleeping, not eating well and body language can also be signs of bullying.

"There are some adults who, unfortunately, will say 'Kids will be kids' or 'Just ignore them," said Wilson. "What's to ignore if I'm being called fatso four or five times a day?"

Wilson also recommends that parents document incidents of bullying with the time, date, place, people involved, type of incident and specific behaviors, then write a letter expressing concern and ask that a copy be kept in their child's record.

"Work through the school system because often parent to parent can escalate to bullying itself," she said.

By Erin Haller
NDN Staff Writer

Newton Daily News, Saturday, March 6, 2004