Don't Get Conned By Conflict

In the past few weeks, clients have shared their frustration and concern about how to more effectively address conflicts in meetings.

One client told me that, in her company, the tendency is to send someone to a program to get “fixed” when that person has a tough time with conflicts. While there are excellent programs for teaching skills to use in the midst of conflict, I think that we need to be more generous about scheduling F.A.S.T. Talk conversations when we have a problem—conversations that require face to face interactions that are Fair, Authentic, Shared and True.

Conflict frequently is a con—a deception, a deceit. Two people are in disagreement, a disagreement that could be resolved by fair, authentic, shared and truthful conversation. However, that conversation does not take place. For some reason, it feels easier to let the conflict fester and grow. Emotional lines are drawn, sides are chosen, and the divisiveness begins. Conversation is absent. Instead there are two person monologues laced with anger and frustration, gossip fests, and/or an eerie discomfort between the parties involved. Could we agree that these are Pieces of Stupid^sm to avoid?

How about this example? Just a few days ago, I was in a local grocery store. Unloading my cart, I put all that I had on the conveyor belt and as the checker was running the prices, I made the statement. “Please don’t charge me for the strawberries. They are to replace strawberries that molded within two days of purchase last week.” The checker looked up and without a trace of a smile and with a slightly raised voice announced, “Well, you should have checked with produce about that.” I replied, “I don’t view that as my responsibility.” And then she said in no uncertain terms, “Well, it’s not my responsibility either.” Can you feel the love? I didn’t either. However, I did feel the conflict—this time, that eerie discomfort in the pit of my stomach as well as the tension lacing the air.

So here’s the promised tip for avoiding the con of conflict. Instead of reacting defensively, choose to think (and perhaps even speak), “how can I be helpful to you?” When possible, let go of your immediate need around the issue of the conflict and focus on the emotional need(s) of the people involved in the conflict. The choice is to set the issue aside and to focus on the health of the relationship, whether it’s a moment of kindness for a virtual stranger or a deeper need for a relationship important to you.

How can I be helpful to you? Positioning the question and responding to it helps you move to the “same side of the table” as your adversary. Scarlett Lunning Huey, a respected consultant in conflict mediation, shares this powerful perspective: Are you approaching a conflict believing that the other person is a jerk or that he/she is someone like you who simply has a need different than yours?

Take a moment to consider five of the primary reasons for conflict between people listed below. Then, as conflicts arise in the next several days, consider their source and the need for Fair, Authentic, Shared and Truthful Talk to resolve them.

1. Differing goals- We simply want to achieve different outcomes. Do you think this may be a reason for irreconcilable differences in marriages?

2.  The same goal, but different courses of action for achieving it- Consider the classic conflict between marketing and finance. Both functions want to make money; however they have different methods of doing so. Marketing says, “You’ve got to spend money to make money”. Finance says, “You’ve got to save money to make money.”

3. Organizational structure- An organization says that it wants cross-functional communication and work effort. However, it is organized in silos. The structure of the organization blocks the desired cross functional open dialogue.

4. Scarce Resources- There is a finite amount of time, energy, money, personnel, equipment, (etc!) to go around. Budgeting who gets how much of what is an ongoing source of conflict in most organizations.

5. Violations of expectations re: Rules, Agreements and Policies. This is an incredibly frequent source of conflict within individuals, between individuals, within groups and between groups! And why? Because those rules, agreements and policies are often written in a way that can be misinterpreted, miscommunicated, or ignored altogether.

There you have them- five common reasons for conflict in an organization. The next time that you are tempted to blame personality for a conflict, think again. In my experience, personalities are the least frequent reason for conflict in a situation. Most of the time, the conflict can be traced to one of the above five reasons.

Below you'll find a two-part conflict model that is useful for resolving conflict. Keep in mind that there are two major components in a conflict. One is the goal/issue that is at stake; you have a goal that conflicts with another person’s goal in some way, and each of your goals has some degree of importance to you. The other component is the relationship(s) involved. It too has a degree of importance to you. At the very least, even if you have little relationship with the other person in the conflict, it is preferable that you be able to interact effectively with that person in the future should you need to.

A Two-Part Model for Confronting Conflict