Conversational Peace Can Be Yours

(Even in the Midst Of Conflict!)

We recently received a question that grabbed my attention immediately. A reader wants to know how to maintain conversational peace even in the midst of conflict. Read on to discover the real reasons that we often travel the bumpy road of conflict and then learn eight strategies for steering our speech in more powerful directions.

Team Challenge:

"I am the manager of a team that is made up of members who are also members of a union. It seems that there are so many conflicts over contract issues. Over the past couple of years, I realize that I am more and more defensive as issues and situations are brought up. I'm so tired of the blaming and accusing and the adversarial positions. What can I do to be less defensive?"

Susan responds:

You already have a good start by taking the initiative to do something about the defensive behavior and to recognize that you are dealing with issues and situations and behaviors. Most frequently, the conflict is not about a person. When possible, it's best to depersonalize the conflict.

Let's start by considering the most common reasons for conflict. This is a list that you can use to recognize the true source of conflict so that it can be resolved instead of going off on a rabbit trail of blaming, accusing, or defensive behavior. Understanding that most conflict has a source other than a personality is valuable to remaining reasoned in approach. Then, defensive reactions are less likely to occur.

Then we'll wrap up with eight specific strategies for increasing your calm and reducing potential defensiveness.

Seven Key Sources of Conflict:

Incompatible Goals- You want one thing, another party wants something else. A key question to ask is, "What exactly do we have in common?" This question positions the two of you to begin work from the "same side of the table" as you seek common ground.
Same goal, but different ways of achieving it- You are on the same page for what the goal is, but you have different methods for achieving it. A key example in business is that generally, all parties want to make money. In my experience, the finance group says, "You've got to save it to make it." The marketing group says, "You've got to spend it to make it." Both groups want to make money, but their plan for achieving the goal differs. There is a need to consider which or how each perspective adds the greatest value to the organization.
Organizational Structure- The way an organization is set up can be a source of conflict. Union and management, silos vs. cross functional groups, hierarchical vs. team based reporting structures- these are three examples of organizational structure as a source of conflict.
Different interpretations/applications of rules, policies, and procedures- Nearly every organization has its handbook of rules, policies and procedures, but different departments often define them in different ways. Just think about the different ways that people define work hours, getting in on time, overtime, and vacation!
Scarce Resources- There is just so much time, energy and money available! How is it shared within an organization. Each department clamors for their "fair" share of the budget. But what is "fair"? How resources are shared and allocated becomes fair game for conflict.
Personal Problems- Individuals may bring their personal problems to work. Whether problems with a child, a marriage, or care for aging parents, their stress and concerns from their personal lives are brought into the work environment.
Personality- When all is said and done, this is the least likely reason for conflict. By far, most conflicts have their source in one of the first five reasons for conflict.

I promised to share strategies for reducing the probability to defensive behavior. I can guarantee that these strategies will reduce your stress and defensive reactions in communication when you build them as habits for even greater personal effectiveness.

Eight Specific Strategies for Getting Rid of Defensiveness:

Breathe. You may chuckle, but in conflict or fear, we tend to take shallower breaths. We need to fully breathe for our calm and for sending a message of steadiness and confidence.
Recognize that every criticism is not directed at you personally. I have had people swear, threaten, verbally attack, jump up and down, throw a hard hat, and chase me down a hall, but I've learned that many of the criticisms and much of the anger (most of the time!) were at an issue bigger than me. I was just a tangible target for the emotional unloading. So recognize that a fair amount of conflict is not about you personally; it's about a bigger issue that creates fear, threat, or discomfort of some kind.
Avoid shouldering the blame for criticism that is not yours to own. Weather, driving conditions, and how much the CEO makes are not under your control.
Related to #3, stop apologizing or giving a defensive remark for issues not under your control. Again, weather, driving conditions and how much the CEO makes are not under your control.
Silence is golden. Use it to increase your calm. It's so valuable to "leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
When you do accept critical feedback, assure that it is specific as well as under your control. As you need to, ask, "What exactly do you mean by that?" so that your feedback is delivered in terms of issues and behaviors, not generalities.
Consider the source. Do your value the opinion of the person sharing the point of view?
Invite critical feedback! Take the initiative to encourage constructive criticism that helps your improve your performance. You've just added to your personal power when you do!

Eight specific strategies for less defensiveness and more reasoned responses. Take another look at the list and then decide on two strategies that you will implement for the next two weeks. Let us know how these work out for you.

As we close, here's a wonderful African proverb to remember, "Words are like bullets; if they escape, you can't catch them again."

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies