Communication is Tougher
Than Talking

Lately, several clients have called asking for advice on communicating more effectively with specific people in their lives. Their interpersonal conflicts are blocking progress toward specific and important goals. Most of us can relate! Few of us are immune to similar challenges in our own relationships. In working with clients as well as in my life, I'm consistently reminded that the healthiest relationships are grounded in trust and the ability to use mature communication skills regardless of the issue.

Not too long ago, I was asked to facilitate a meeting between two executives. Both individuals have intelligence, warmth, and humor to spare, but their respective styles create obstacles to clear communication with one another.
Although each of these executives, like many of us, has experienced the personality and behavioral tests that pigeon hole people as drivers, INTJ's, or animals of various kinds, we need to remember that the very best form of understanding comes from clear, accurate and respectful communication with each other, not from taking tests. The more that we develop these habits of clarity, accuracy and civility in our conversation, the better we understand ourselves and each other. The added value is that the improved communication builds trust and good will, qualities that are essential to achieving high quality goals.

As you might suspect, there were a number of ideas that emerged from that meeting to strengthen the relationship between those two executives. What was learned may also be useful to you. Here are five specific ideas to keep in mind:

Wrap your conversations in care for the other person. Before delivering the message, know the goal of your communication. Check yourself for your intention. Is it for personal gain or are you truly interested in mutual understanding and benefit?
Break the habit of interrupting. It is a key barrier to effective listening. Interrupting creates a two way monologue, rarely a dialogue. There are times when, for clarity or focus, an interruption seems necessary. Okay, it happens. But make your interrupting an exception rather than the rule. A neat trick that has helped many curb the habit of interrupting others is to jot a note of what it is that you want to say in that moment so that you don't lose your thought while you continue to listen.
If you feel tension about what you are hearing, stop the conversation from going any further and resolve your concern. Facial expressions and body language often betray that you are tense anyway. You may as well confront and resolve the issue of concern and then continue the conversation. In working with teams, I have found that tension from defensiveness or misunderstanding often occurs as team members make the effort to discuss meaningful issues. It's useful to stop and ask, "what did you mean by that?" to ensure understanding.
Avoid head nodding unless you clarify its meaning. What occurs is that the listener is using the nodding only as an indication of listening; the speaker often perceives the nodding as agreement. Clarify by asking, "are you nodding because you are listening or because you agree?" The candor of the question elicits candor in the response.
Frequently, because we do have different styles and habits, our differences aggravate. Make the effort to consider how your differences with someone else could be viewed as positives because of the way you complement one another's skills. For example, ask, "how can my persistence be useful to you?" or "how can your steadiness complement my impulsiveness?" Your answers build a stronger relationship.

There are so many reasons that people disconnect in communication even when they are well intentioned in their effort. Continuing to seek and apply ideas for stronger communication builds skill as well as trust.

Communication is Tougher Than Talking

Communication is Tougher
Than Talking