Surprised By the Size

Exchanging Valuable Feedback

Since moving to Michigan, I’ve developed a new interest. Beach glass. Basically, it originates as discarded bottles, glasses dishes, and jars thrown overboard from boats. The discarded glass is broken up by waves and rocks. Then, as the sharp, broken glass travels in lakes and oceans, it’s shaped and smoothed by the tumbling action of water, sand, and the passing of time. The waves bring it into shore; and serious collectors can be nearly rabid for it!

Finding beach glass along the shores of Lake Michigan is a challenge. After all, the pieces are often tiny- I marvel that my eyes catch them amidst the thousands of pieces of rocks, gravel, sand, and shells. Other times, my fingers grasp a piece and then, as I tug to pull it from the sand, I realize that it is a much bigger piece than I had anticipated. And again, I feel surprised by the size. As I think about my “surprise by the size” of what I find, I wonder if part of my surprise is wrapped up in my expectations.

Expectations. They certainly come into play in my relationships, whether with friends, family, clients or colleagues. In conversations with others, there are many times when I’m “surprised by the size” of what we learn about ourselves and each other.

Sometimes, in the exchange of feedback, it’s something fairly small that I learn, but it still has impact. Other times, I am given a significant piece of feedback that makes a difference in the way I behave from that moment on.

Several weeks ago, we had seven teenagers spend the night with us. They were in from Iowa to attend a graduation party, and the hosts needed extra beds. It was fine to open our doors to them. It’s wonderful to have opportunities to welcome others into our home… except that three of those teenagers said nearly nothing in the 24 hours that they used our home. There was no initiative to say hello, good morning, good night or thank you- nothing!

What!? Where are their manners? How rude. Of all the ungrateful…

You can be sure that I sat down with my own teenagers to talk with them about the experience. My son listened to me, and then asked, “So Mom, you like being hospitable as long as people say thank you?”

Hmmmm…

Hmmmm… and hmmmm…surprised by the size…

What a great piece of feedback. Timely, fair, direct, specific, non-judgmental. Reid’s feedback gave me cause for pause. His respectful question made a huge impact on my thinking right then and there as I realized that my belief is to give the gift of hospitality unconditionally- no strings attached.

Reid’s feedback made a lasting difference in my perspective.

How can each of us make our feedback even more valuable to ourselves and each other?

Specifically, what needs to change?

Click here to read an article about giving great feedback that uses FEEDBACK as an acronym to provide eight qualities to keep in mind when you want your feedback to be maximally beneficial.

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies