If It Wasn't For Me, I'd Be Perfect

In just the last few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nuances of communication; and how even the “little things” aren’t so little if they tug and pull at the fabric of trust in relationships. Enough tugs and pulls weaken fabric, causing tears and eventual rips. (I could tell you about my favorite flannel pajama pants that recently became dust rags from a small tear that didn’t get needed attention, but that’s another story entirely). Similar tugs and pulls hurt our relationships. None of us are perfect in our communication, and most of us appreciate reminders about making good use of the most powerful muscle in the body- the tongue!

Are you careful about how others feel as well as what they understand when you speak?

Several years ago, I was hired to work with a Division I College Basketball team as a team performance and motivational coach. It was a wonderful experience, working with devoted and talented athletes and coaches. Each of us had an awareness of our contribution to the incredible successes of our work together. In the fourth season, the head coach invited another resource to join us in working with her team. This resource, a psychologist, had three or four sessions with the players. Immediately following one of the games, she walked up to me and said, "You know Susan, it is my work with the team that helped them win this game." And then she turned and walked away. With one sentence, she created negative feelings and tore at the trust of working collaboratively together.

"Words are like bullets; if they escape, you can't catch them again."
 –African Proverb

Do you think through your intention before you speak?

Just the other night, I was enjoying a brainstorming session with five other women about ideas to raise big dollars for the music program at an area high school. I had invited a special friend to contribute her ideas and talents, knowing that she would add a spark to the meeting. Through the hour, a number of ideas were raised and written down. Near the end of the meeting, this friend gave another idea, a really good one. In fact, it was one that I had written down, but not yet mentioned. She hardly had her words out of her mouth before I was jumping in to say, "I had that idea too," thinking that I was being supportive. Later, upon reflection, I thought about the impact of my words. Why had I stepped in on her idea? Why didn’t I just let her words settle and be absorbed? Why didn’t I just let the moment “be” as others appreciated her contribution? Recently, I "bumped" into this quote and wished I had read it before my good intention jumped out of my mouth!

"It is difficult to say who do you the most harm: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best."
--Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Do you seek the best of intentions when others speak?

Last week, I witnessed such a dramatic example of a woman showing this very strength of looking for the best in others and what they say. She is a precious friend who lost her husband to a tragic death just a handful of weeks ago. Understandably, there is a gamut of emotions running through each family member. I was in the kitchen with this friend and her daughter while her daughter was angrily commenting on the "stupid things that people say when someone dies." Her mother let her finish, leaned forward, and gently spoke. "At least, they are trying to say something."

What a humbling reminder. Each of us needs to remember that most of us are trying to do the best that we can. We bump into each other emotionally, we say "stupid" things, and our words can cause conflict. Still, most of us are trying to do the best that we can. Samuel Butler offers us this. "Words are not as satisfactory as we should like them to be, but, like our neighbors, we have got to live with them and must make the best and not the worst of them." Make an effort to receive others and their words with the best of intentions. Look for the beauty in what is said rather than what can potentially tear at the fabric of the relationship.

As we close, a final quote comes to mind about the potential positive impact of your words. "Words are sacred. They deserve respect. If you can get the right ones, in the right order, you can nudge the world a little." --Tom Stoppard

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies