Solve Your Communication Challenges: Anticipate, Initiate, Appreciate

Just a few days ago, a reader sent in two questions after reading That Nagging Pain. She indicated that information from That Nagging Pain was valuable, but that she has two particular problems in her organization. And so she sent in two very specific questions. Her needs deal with a “Mr. Know it all” and a “Ms. Interrupter”. I could feel her exasperation through the emphasis of her words and the style of writing. Once again, her concerns prove that when communication is good, life is good, but when communication is poor, life can feel pretty horrible!

Do you have someone who frequently knows it all or interrupts you in your communication? If so, read on for practical strategies that have made a huge difference in these problematic behaviors. If not, lucky, lucky you. J

For so many of us, communication problems occur when one or more in a conversation fabricate, complicate, frustrate or obfuscate. (Isn’t that last word great? It means to make unclear or to confuse). And there seem to be countless ways of creating communication challenges.

To respond, each issue around Mr. Know-it-all and Ms. Interrupter is broken down so that specific strategies can be shared to address each issue of each of the problems. As you read, please remember that the issue is loaded with ideas so that you can make needed choices for your Mr. Know-it-all. If I tried all of these ideas all at once, I might soon be Ms. Pain-in-the-Rear! J

Mr. Know-it-all

In her words, part of the problem is:

“Mr. Know-it-all always answers for the person that the question is asked of before the one of whom the question was asked can even open his mouth. Only sometimes is his answer relevant; rarely is it any of his business.”

Strategies to use:

Anticipate the challenge from this person and begin conversations/meetings with a reminder that “we will have shared conversation and shared contributions”.

Initiate confronting the negative behavior. The person who was asked the question steps forward, without a smile, and looking directly at Mr. Know-it-all. Then he/she says, “Excuse me, that question was for me.

The person asking the question takes the same stance in terms of body language, and says, “Excuse me; I’m interested in Bill’s answer.”

Try looking at Mr. Know-it-all directly for 3 seconds after he’s finished speaking, but say nothing. After 3 seconds pass, the question asker poses the question again, using the name of the person from whom he/she wants the response.

Appreciate any effort that you see Mr. Know-it-all making to change his behavior. Most of us need to improve our skills of noticing and commenting on the positive.

In her words, part of the problem is:

“Nor does he hold any authority to answer the question. In meetings, he comments as an all knowing source and jumps in to speak. Sometimes, if you comment, he adds to your comment with a conviction that, yes, you are correct. Sometimes he behaves like a teacher correcting the unimportant and missing the point altogether.”

Strategies to use:

Anticipate this habit and use the idea of timed conversation from That Nagging Pain. Use poker chips or paper slips to determine how much time each person has to speak. Each chip or slip is worth one minute of talking.

Initiate confronting this behavior with a “planned interruption”. Although interrupting is rude, use it when there is repeated rudeness from another person. Say, “Excuse me, I’d like to hear from (insert name)”.

“Excuse me, you often provide input. Let’s hear from (insert name).”

Appreciate others’ contributions to helping you change the negative behaviors of Mr. Know-it-All. Thank them verbally or with a brief note that is fair and specific. You’ll build a coalition of help that increases the likelihood of turning Mr. Know-it-all into a more appealing employee.

In her words, part of the problem is:

"Most of the time, you can tell that he doesn’t really know the situation as much as he thinks he does. He offends nearly everyone with his behavior."

Strategies to use:

Initiate action by “calling” Mr. Know-it-all on his behavior. Ask him, “What value does this information provide?”

“Thank you. However, I’m comfortable with what I currently know (or what so and so has told me). I'll let you know if I need something more.

Appreciate Mr. Know-it-All’s willingness to accept your comments when it is obvious that he is backing off or is less offensive. Find moments to say, “Mr. Know-it-all, thank you for the contribution that was helpful.” Affirm what is real and valuable when he does speak up or pipe down.

In her words, part of the problem is:

"He also makes it his business to know everything about every customer even if the customer isn't his. His goal is to know more than the manager of that client and then let the knowledge shine in front of anyone who wants to hear."

Strategies to use:

Anticipate this behavior and establish guidelines within your work group regarding interpersonal behavior that employees want upheld. Establishing guidelines gives employees "permission" to holding each other accountable to agreed upon behaviors. This strategy has been hugely effective for many businesses.

Anticipate this behavior and turn away when he does this or busy yourself with something else. Suggest others do the same. Do not reward him with listening. Silence, avoiding eye contact, and non listening often are effective strategies to cue changed behavior.

Initiate fair and direct feedback about this unwelcome behavior. The free article, "Avoid Choking on Feedback," gives ideas for giving effective feedback. It’s also valuable and builds credibility to check our own behavior for others of us might be irritating Mr. Know-it-all so that each of us can be prepared for feedback and change.

Appreciate that most people want to change if they know that their current behavior really grates on others.

As I reflect on the specific suggestions shared for a Mr. Know-it-all, there are four other more general and important thoughts to keep in mind. Each of us can only control our own behavior; but what we do with our own behavior can have significant influence on someone else’s—even if it takes some time! Secondly, each of us needs to check our intention as we approach a situation. Am I speaking up with fairness and truth to better a situation, or is there a shadow on the purity of my intention? Thirdly, I remember that when I'm addressing conflict, I'm not addressing a "jerk". I am speaking with another created being who deserves the best in kindness and respect even when there are challenges to be resolved. And finally (at least for now), it is a blessing to have opportunities for building skills and knowledge in the area of communication.

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday." (Sally Koch). When we make the decision to anticipate, initiate and appreciate in our communication skills, we have a much better chance of helping others through their day as well as maximizing the value of our own.

How to Clip Ms. Interrupter for Conversation Completion

As you read, keep in mind that many interrupters don't intend to be rude. In fact, many of us who have worked on breaking this habit are surprised when habitual interrupting is confronted. Many say that they just want to add to what you’ve said, or interject a thought before they forget it. Others interrupt to quiet the voice of a rambling, incessant monologue. For still others, interrupting is an intentional effort to take control of conversational airspace to influence thinking or action. Whatever the reason for it, interrupting behavior is rude behavior. Here are some ideas for confronting it using the specific concerns from one of our readers.

In her words part of the problem is:

“This person has a habit of disrupting conversations, meetings, and phone calls by bursting into an office while you are with someone or on the phone. She begins to talk immediately, usually in an overbearing and loud voice. She even waves papers to get and keep attention, leaving those who were engaged in a conversation shocked by the intrusion. This person speaks in a perpetually loud tone, so that private conversation is nonexistent. To add to the experience is her irritating, nervous laugh. She disrupts the air and continually interrupts one's train of thought.”

Strategies to apply:

As described, no subtleties here. The behavior is rude and obnoxious; it is your right to confront it directly. Whether you are in a meeting, on the phone, or in conversation with someone, take a moment to excuse yourself pleasantly and with a smile. Then, deal with the interruption swiftly and immediately. Stand up, remove your smile, and firmly state, "I am busy right now. I will call you when I finish in thirty minutes. OR, say to the person with whom you are talking, "Please forgive this interruption." Then turn to the interrupter, "Please do not interrupt. I will get back to you by (give a time)”. If needed, come out to walk the person to the door and then shut the door.

A third strategy is to confront with feedback at a time when you can speak with Ms. Interrupter in private. You could initiate the conversation with, "(Name), I'd like to talk with you about an issue that's been bothering me for several weeks. First I need to apologize. I should have brought this to your attention when it first happened instead of waiting until now. I am sorry for my oversight. Your habit of interrupting has become a problem for me, and I'd like to talk with you about how to resolve it.” And then, you go for it! Use your feedback skills to have a fair, but firm conversation. (For valuable information on providing feedback please see the March 2005 issue of Fast Team Solutions. You may also find the 2-part matrix for resolving conflict that is in the July 26th issue of our newsletter helpful

In her words part of the problem is:

“She is always jovial and would do most anything for you, but goes overboard to the extreme. She continuously wants to be the center of attention and actually feels that what she has to say or show you is most important in the moment. So far, she has interrupted only co-workers and not customers. I'm not sure that she realizes what she is doing. We have several employees, who interrupt a lot, but she takes the prize.”

Strategies to apply:

This is another behavior that would benefit from having boundaries or guidelines for behavior established in your organization, especially if Ms. Interrupter doesn’t “realize what she is doing”. Make a decision as a group to sit down and address the two or three behaviors that hurt relationships. Identify the guidelines that would encourage more courteous behavior. Be direct and specific in your language. For example:

Do not disturb colleagues when they are in meetings or on the telephone unless the issue is an emergency (i.e. the building is on fire!).

Share the “spotlight” of attention with others by inviting their input and by listening more than speaking.

Be willing to accept feedback about behavior that affects team relationships.

I chuckled when I saw the words, "she takes the prize". Maybe, given that you mention that several have this bad habit, you could give a weekly "Most improved interrupter" award for a few weeks to make people more aware. Or make a "game" of correcting this bad habit. This works if you have a pretty congenial group who already like each other and know that this is in fun and not from malice.

As you consider the needs for addressing interrupters, also take a moment to consider your personal strengths in conversations. A wonderful quote reminds us that, “the real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right moment, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies