Thank You Matters

Why and How to Write a Thank You That Keeps On Giving

Just a few days ago, a woman in the newspaper business asked me to write an article dedicated to the value of thank yous and thank you notes. In her conversation, she lamented the mass mailing of an email thank you from a new bride, and no thank you at all from another bride despite this woman’s investment in an expensive gift as well as her effort (and expense!) to attend the bride’s long distance wedding.

I started digging into the topic and, wow!, there are quite a few stories of “thank you nots” that are worth sharing as well as tips for writing notes of appreciation that are saved and savored.

“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” (Gladys Brown Stern)

Ann Landers says it, Miss Manners says it, and most people when asked, say it: a genuine thank you is seldom heard, but is one of the most powerful statements that can be made. Whether in a five year old’s unsteady hand or in an executive’s polished words, a sincere thank you note is mostly savored and often saved.

In asking friends and colleagues for examples of “thank you nots”, here are a handful of the contributions:

There was no acknowledgement of receiving the gift or of gratitude for it.
The thank you was impersonal or rote as noted by the language of: Dear Guest, Thank you for the money. Sally. (Really, that’s what it said!)
The thank you missed the use of gracious language as in: “Wow, a third ice bucket. I don’t think I’ll ever give a party where I’ll need three ice buckets. What were you thinking?” Vs. “Thank you for remembering how I love to entertain. I’m betting this will get a lot of use over the years.”
The thank you lost impact because it was so late in being sent.
The email thank you, whether from the gift recipient or through an online store when it’s for a significant gift. Several have shared that they “hate” opening e-cards. From their perspective, the email thank you is cursory, and is viewed as thankless rather than thankful.

Why has the common and expected courtesy of saying thank you for a “gift” received become so uncommon and even less expected? According to a 2002 Public Agenda survey, a plurality of adults (48%) only "sometimes" encountered people who made an effort to say "please" and "thank you"; 16% said they saw such behavior "practically never." In addition, a 1998 Gallup Poll indicated that 30% of adults said they made a point of expressing thanks or gratitude to others only "some of the time" (“Whatever Happened to Thank You Notes?”, USA Today, 12/27/05). Articles read online, in USA Today, and in magazines focusing on etiquette, find that many of us fault a less formal culture, busy lives, the tyranny of less available time, and an acceptance of less civil behavior.

Are you willing to allow these excuses to be valid?

Whether the given gift is a present, a service, shared time, a kind action, or a thoughtful word, the giver appreciates having their gift acknowledged. Even the hand crocheted pink poodle cover that you may have received for your toilet tissue took time and energy and was crocheted in love. A friend says, “Writing a hand written note of thanks is a valuable and tangible way of showing gratitude.” Do you honor acts of generosity with your words (written or verbal), or are they given grudgingly as an obligation if at all?

Here’s an interesting point about expressed gratitude. The more genuine and timely we are in providing feedback about our appreciation of a gift received, the greater the probability that we’ll enjoy future gifts. People yearn to be recognized and appreciated. And it can also bless the one who gives that cherished feedback. As a friend tells me, “When I was a child my parents taught me to write notes to gift-givers, family and friends for showing their kindness to me- it has now become something I sincerely enjoy doing.”

“Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.” (Christiane Northrup)

So for those of us who want to persevere with thank you courtesies, here are several timely tips for the art of writing thank yous that matter:

Establish your “attitude of gratitude” before you pick up the pen. Your feelings often show through your chosen words. Pay attention to what you value.
Write a note that will be a pleasure to receive, from the personal handwritten address to the personal note of thanks inside, beginning with a personal salutation and a personal close.
Include the words, “Thank you” in the body of your note.
Keep your focus on appreciating the person’s generosity and kindness as well as the gift to avoid any nuance of, “what were you thinking in giving me this?”
Speak to the value, the relevance, and/or the planned use for the gift.

"Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” (Margaret Cousins)

Dozens of situations and experiences are ripe for our gratitude, appreciation and thanks. Even an advertisement tells us this. “Most of us miss out on life's big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel Peace Prize. Oscars. Tonys. Emmys. But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures. A pat on the back. A four-pound bass. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer. Don't fret about copping life's grand awards. Enjoy its tiny delights. There are plenty for all” (United Technologies Corporation advertisement).

What are some of yours?

They are as varied as the college bound student who remembers to thank colleges for their attention to interviews and scholarship dollars to the Information Technology Vice President who sends a personal thank you to each spouse of the employees who are working overtime on a conversion for their corporation to the multitude of friends and family who come to thank a dying woman for her kindnesses to each of them over the years. Opportunities for thanks and gratitude are endless and boundryless.

Will you remember to say thank you for yours?

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” (Albert Schweitzer)

By Susan B. Wilson, President, Executive Strategies