Just a few days ago, I took a call from a finance executive
interested in evaluating me as a facilitator for a leadership team
which needs to build a more collaborative culture. As we neared the
end of the conversation, she had asked for and received three
things. She had accepted my offer to send a book at no charge, she
had accepted my offer to invest my resources into writing an action
plan, and she had accepted the invitation to freely download
articles from our site for her use in her company. My two requests
of her were for her address to send the gift of the books and for
her email address to send our websites for her use. Her response?
“No, I will not give you my email address for your unsolicited
email.”
Looooooong pause as I recovered my equilibrium.
“Excuse me?”
The executive who expressed the need for building a more
collaborative culture had just provided an example of the toxic talk
that so often tears at the emotional health of an organization. Her
toxic talk, even in one sentence, dulled our conversation. With that
one sentence, she established: I take; I won’t give. I rule, you
don’t. This call is for me; it’s not about you. In that one
sentence, she killed my interest in working with her. It may not
have been her intention to convey such a negative message, but the
words she chose took aim, and made their hit.
Are all toxic statements so dramatic? No. However, most of us deal
with some level of toxic statements nearly every day, either from
our own mouths or from the mouths of others. In a day’s time, the
toxicity builds to a level of poison that causes dis-ease in our
relationships.
Toxic talk deadens desire for interaction. Toxic language kills
opportunities for relationships. Toxic interactions require mouth to
mouth resuscitation- healthy communication that revitalizes and
brings a relationship back to life.
Two strategies for avoiding avoid toxic talk are:
- Speak with care.
- Speak the truth.
And yes, the order matters!
It is essential to speak the truth, but it’s even more essential to
speak with care as you speak with truth if relationship strength
matters to you.
The temptation when bitten is to bite right back. Can you imagine
this scenario?
“May I have your email address?”
“No. I don’t want your unsolicited email.”
“So, let me get this straight. You do want the free book, the action
plan that takes an hour of my time, the free articles off of my
website…..do I HAVE THAT RIGHT!?!?!”
In working with individuals and groups, mercy has trumped judgment
every time. That is, compassion contributes greater value to most
relationships than “being right”. It may take some time before
speaking up with truth can be coupled with speaking up with care. It
may take some time to gather the information and facts that help you
assure the care and truth of your words.
Let’s use the opening story as an example. Remember, a potential
client called, accepted “gifts” of my time and resources and then
refused a request to share her email address. Her tone and words
were insulting and demeaning. In context, that refusal was a piece
of toxic talk. What response would be in keeping with care and
truth? Instead of responding to her words immediately, I needed time
to think and time to consider the feedback of a trusted and wise
colleague. Then I was ready to “resuscitate” the health of the
communication in the relationship, for me as much as for the
executive. The passing of time gave me an opportunity to assure that
I was responding with care and truth rather than reacting with
defensiveness. The result was a letter that assured the finance
executive of our follow through with sending a book at no charge, a
statement that our styles did not seem to be a fit for working
together, and a sincere hope that they would find a resource just
right for their needs.
Keep in mind that you are continually in relationship, whether in
terms of how you interact with yourself or with others. How you talk
with and view yourself strongly impacts your emotional vitality and
health. And your emotional health strongly impacts how you talk with
others.
In the past ten days, I have heard three women make these
statements:
“Everyone is better than me.”
“I hate myself.”
“I’m just a stay at home mom.”
“I can’t imagine that I have anything to offer the workforce.”
Take a moment to think about the impact on one’s emotional well
being when there is internal repetition of these words over and over
and over again. Would you allow someone else to make these kinds of
statements to you? Isn’t it curious that we don’t allow others to
speak so disrespectfully to us, but we let it go on (and on and on)
when it’s going on in our own thoughts? The best strategy? Stop it!
Stop the toxic talk that goes on in your head. You can use these
three ideas to build new and more positive habits in your thinking:
- Cue yourself by snapping a rubber band on your wrist when internal
toxic talk occurs. Replace it with more caring and truthful
statements about yourself.
- Put a few “STOP” signs around your home as a cue to check the
vitality of your language.
- Print one or two scriptural verses on a card that are THE Truth
about how God sees you. Replace your toxic talk with one of these.
A final tip for mouth to mouth resuscitation when talk is toxic is
to apologize. When you realize that you’ve said something unkind or
unfair or downright stupid, display the courage to apologize. A
recent “great book” is *The Five Languages of Apology by Gary
Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Chapman and Thomas explore the value of
apologies that cover regret, responsibility, repentance,
restitution, and requesting forgiveness. There is enormous power for
restoration of vitality and health in a relationship when each of us
is willing to express sincere apology to rebuild trust and care.
What relationship in your life needs the strength of these
turnaround tips for toxic talk?
*The Five Languages of Apology is a terrific book; it's a "high
recommend" on my list!
By: Susan B. Wilson, MS, MBA, CSP
©
Executive Strategies
(269) 408-1525
www.execstrategies.com
